Category Archives: Sports

Golf

If swinging the club really was as simple and natural as, say, swinging a hammer, Corey Pavin would be making $8.47 an hour.
— Henry Beard

Jim Furyk has a swing like a man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth.
— David Feherty

Every club has a swing narcissist, who, on and off the course, constantly practices his swing. I remember “Never-Play Joe” at Chandler Park, who hung around the clubhouse and putting green all day practicing his swing. He usually didn’t even have a club in his hands and rarely ever hit a ball, yet he was constantly swinging.
— Joseph Amato

Better Than Gold
He who is not liberal with what he has, does but deceive himself when he thinks he would be liberal if he had more.
— William Plumer

Baseball

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The funny thing about these uniforms is that you hang them in a closet and they get smaller and smaller.
— Curt Flood, before a 1989 Old-Timers Game

I don’t see how either team can possibly win.
— Anonymous

When I first became a manager, I asked Chuck Tanner for advice. He told me, “Always rent.”
— Tony LaRussa

Better Than Gold
My father taught me that showing your affection was not a sign of weakness but instead a sign of love. I have passed his legacy on to my two sons and my granddaughters. Whenever I see them, we kiss and hug and show how fond we are of each other. I love it!
— Jack Klugman

Football

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It’s amazing what the human body can do when chased by a bigger human body.
— Jack Thompson

Here’s a twenty, bury two.
— Bear Bryant, on being asked to chip in ten dollars to help cover the cost of a sportswriter’s funeral

I’ve been asked to make a speech about my football team. My football team that just won nine games. My football team that just won the Rose Bowl. My football team that – I’m sorry, I forgot this wasn’t my football team. It really belongs to you. Last year when we won only three and lost five, that was my football team.
— Duffy Daugherty

Better Than Gold
In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
— Ann Landers

Sports

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We do not have cross-country and we do not have pole vaulting.
— Gerald Curtin, on the annual field day at Sing-Sing Prison

To own a racehorse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.
— Adam Nicholson

I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.
— Charles Barkley

Better Than Gold
Let your pledged word be sacred. Never promise to do a thing without performing it promptly. Nothing is more valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he agrees, and that to the moment.
— P.T. Barnum

Basketball

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A pessimist is an optimist with experience.
— Chuck Daly

Our coach loves the refs. He sends them cards every Christmas – in Braille.
— Anonymous

To symbolize our great relationship, I’d like you to have this framed x-ray of my ulcer.
— Pat Williams, submitting his resignation to 76ers owner Harold Katz

Better Than Gold
Personally, I have never received a promotion in my life that I could not trace directly to recognition that I had gained by rendering more service and better service than that for which I was paid.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Football

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When he says, “Sit down!” I don’t even look for a chair.
— Anonymous, on Vince Lombardi

It’s the one where the player pitches the ball back to the official after scoring a touchdown.
— Bear Bryant, on his favorite move

If he wanted me to run 26 miles through hills, I would. If he wanted me to carry water bottles, I would. If he wanted me to get my hair cut like his . . . well, you have to draw the line somewhere.
— Babe Laufenberg, on Jimmy Johnson

Better Than Gold
Perhaps most endearing is my dad’s great belly laugh when my irreverent mom tells a joke. In this, he taught me an equally important and valuable lesson – to love and enjoy my spouse in things big and small.
— Jennifer Granholm

Obstacle

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Duffer’s Laws: 1) The best way for a Duffer to go around a tree standing directly in his line is to aim directly at the tree, since you never hit where you aim anyway. 2) The only time you’ll ever hit the ball straight is when you’re applying Duffer’s Law #1.
— John Corcoran

Tree: Hostile, agile growth that jumps out of your opponent’s way.
— Paul Dickson

[Based on the old adage that “space occupied by a given tree is 10 percent wood and 90 percent air.”] A golf ball driven through the branches of a tree will hit the 10-percent wood 90 percent of the time, and the 90-percent air 10 percent of the time.
— R.D. Johnson

Better Than Gold
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
— Johann von Goethe