Middle Age

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.
Laurence Peter

I can define middle-aged. That’s when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that’ll get you home at nine o’clock.
Ronald Reagan

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
Bennett Cerf

Better Than Gold
Every human being needs a certain amount of time in which he can be peaceful. Peace may take the form of exercise or reading or any congenial occupation; but the one thing which must not be connected with it is a sense of obligation to do some particular thing at some particular time. I had two hundred letters waiting a few days ago and I deliberately spent two hours reading poetry.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Computers

It’s supposed to do that.
Anonymous, computer help-line response

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was “PICNIC”. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant, and he laughed and reluctantly told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer!”
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
To be a mother is the greatest vocation in the world. No being has a position of such great power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations; for to her is necessarily committed the making of the nation’s citizens.
Hannah Whitehall Smith

Parenting

A camp is a summer place in the country where a mother sends her children for her vacation.
Anonymous

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.
Anonymous

One time I ran out of the store and took the bus home by myself after my mother asked a salesclerk where the “underpants” counter was. Everyone in the store heard her. I had no choice.
Phyllis Theroux

Better Than Gold
Highly effective people are not necessarily those who get a ton of things done, but those who get the most important things done. They concentrate on scheduling their priorities, rather than prioritizing their schedule.
Peter Lowe

Golf

Promising golfer: Any younger player who listens attentively to your advice and nods his head in agreement.
Martin Ragaway

The centers of golf balls are wrapped in rubber bands, almost as tensely as most golfers who try to hit them.
Arnold Palmer

Bisque: An agreed-to extra shot.
Bisquick: Rapid extra unagreed-upon shot taken before others notice.
Bill Geist

Better Than Gold
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.
Henry David Thoreau

Advice

The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.
Franklin Jones

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.
George Harris

You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heatwaves.
Stanislaw Lec

Better Than Gold
Establish a goal just beyond what you think you can do. When you achieve that, establish another and another. This will teach you to embrace risk.
Robert Mondavi

Politics

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
Sir John Quinton

A politician is a person with whose politics you don’t agree. If you agree with him, he is a statesman.
David George

I think I’ll demand a recount.
Ronald Reagan, on being advised just before he took office on the many problems that the country faced

Better Than Gold
It’s easy to find unhappy people who have received much; it’s hard to find unhappy people who have given much.
David Young

Education

Here’s my report card . . . and I’m tired of watching TV anyway.
Bob Phillips

Education today is teaching a child how to talk and then teaching it how to keep quiet.
Anonymous

Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful tones, and in a foreign language. You’d be surprised what an inducement that is to the education of children.
Judith Martin “Miss Manners”

Better Than Gold
Constant effort and frequent mistakes are the stepping-stones of genius.
Elbert Hubbard