Speech

I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I’ve said.
Alan Greenspan

Most people tire of a lecture in ten minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to lectures at all.
Stephen Leacock

Hubert, a speech, to be immortal, doesn’t have to be eternal.
Muriel Humphrey, to her husband

Better Than Gold
I keep reminding myself that there are advantages to slowing down and taking a walk with someone who studies the cracks in the sidewalk. The idea is not to get somewhere in a hurry, but to enjoy going nowhere slowly. Sometimes, by growing up, we outgrow the ability to relax and enjoy. Children can teach us to remember to play and to smell the flowers.
Teryl Zarrow

Football

My definition of a fan is the kind of guy who will scream at you from the 60th row of the bleachers because he thinks you missed a marginal holding call in the center of the interior line, and then after the game won’t be able to find his car in the parking lot.
Jim Tunney, referee

On this team, we’re all united in a common goal: to keep my job.
Lou Holtz

Hi, coach. Isn’t it wonderful that pain is only in the mind?
Jerry Kramer, to Vince Lombardi, who was put in a neck brace after he fell

Better Than Gold
More will sometimes be demanded of you than is reasonable. Bear it meekly, and exhaust your time and strength in performing your duties, rather than in vindicating your rights.
Horace Mann

House

In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.
Robert Byrne

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Rosenbaum

How did I learn to dance? Simple – when I grew up there were six kids and only one bathroom.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way.
J.C. Penney

Parenting

Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late.
Lane Olinghouse

It might help to watch soap operas all day.
Carin, nine, when asked how a person learns to kiss

The art of negotiation is something you learn at an early age. You’d be amazed how many teenagers get their first car by asking for a motorcycle.
James Hewett

Better Than Gold
We can help our children accept themselves for who they are by showing them that we accept ourselves – with our unique qualities, and our weaknesses as well as our strengths.
Dorothy Nolte

Hair

There are certain telltale signs that you might be losing your hair that you should be aware of . . . . If you notice your barber just making the clicking noise with the scissors without actually touching your hair.
Dennis Miller

It’s an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller

Don’t tell a teenager that her hair looks like a mop; she probably doesn’t know what a mop is.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
There is no such thing as a perfect job. In any position you’ll find some duties which, if they aren’t onerous immediately, eventually will be. Success depends not merely on how well you do the things you enjoy, but how conscientiously you perform those duties you don’t.
John Luther

Old Age

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
George Burns

Don’t worry about senility – when it hits you, you won’t know it.
Bill Cosby

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.
Victor Hugo

Better Than Gold
Never judge or underestimate people by their physical appearance. Successful people come in all weights, heights, shapes, sizes and colors.
Brian Koslow

Memory

My memory is starting to go. I locked the keys in my car the other day. Fortunately, I had forgotten to get out first.
Anonymous

Memory is a marvelous thing – it enables you to remember a mistake each time you repeat it.
Max Kauffmann

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Better Than Gold
Let us cherish and love old age; for it is full of pleasure, if you know how to use it. The best morsel is reserved for last.
Seneca