Parenting

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Every father says the same thing: “Where’s your mother?”
— Bill Cosby

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore
And that’s what parents were created for.
— Ogden Nash

Parenthood: The state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.
— Marcelene Cox

Better Than Gold
We were brought up with a lot of love in my family. I didn’t hesitate to kiss my father in public. And that’s how I tried to raise my children. We’re physical. Even after I spank them, I’ll give them a big hug and a kiss and say, “I love you, but you know you did wrong.” They know that I love them.
— Payne Stewart

Travel

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I rang the bell of this small bed-and-breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at a window. “What do you want?” she asked. I want to stay here,” I replied. “Well, stay there then,” she said and closed the window.
— Chic Murray

The only people here are the quick and the dead.
— Billy Graham, on traffic in New York City

Look at all the buses that want exact change. I figure if I give them exact change, they should take me exactly where I want to go.
— George Wallace

Better Than Gold
Real love has staying power. It refuses to look for ways to run away. It always opts for working through.
— Charles Swindoll

Secretary

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I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
— Sign on a secretary’s desk

Secretary: A person who can tell by a caller’s name whether or not the boss is in.
— Anonymous

Secretary wants job; no bad habits; willing to learn.
— Want ad

Better Than Gold
How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly!
— Psalm 139:17 (TLB)

Romance

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I made no advances to her, but she accepted them.
— Louis Scutenaire

All the world loves a lover, except those who are waiting to use the phone.
— Anonymous

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
— Mitch Hedberg

Better Than Gold
Books are the food of youth, the delight of old age, the ornament of prosperity, and the refuge and comfort of adversity.
— Cicero

Environmentalists, Errors and Grass

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Remember – a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.
— Dennis Miller

To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
— John Nadeau

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
— Anonymous

Better Than Gold
Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.
— Thomas Carlyle

Names

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.
— Bill Cosby

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s in trouble.
— Dennis Fakes

Naming our baby was a trial. I seize up when I have to name a document on my computer.
— Jeff Stilson

Better Than Gold
A great man is always willing to be little.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Communication

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I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
— Robert McCloskey

Misspellers of the world – UNTIE!
— Anonymous

If you cannot get people to listen to you any other way, tell them it’s confidential.
— Patrick Murray

Better Than Gold
When the world seems huge and dark and meaningless, focus on little things – sunlight through leaves, a cat sprawled across your knees, the taste of an apple, a dew-bright spider’s web. Now is the time for gentle comforts, for friendly and familiar things.
— Pam Brown