Parenting

Every father says the same thing: “Where’s your mother?”
Bill Cosby

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore
And that’s what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash

Parenthood: The state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.
Marcelene Cox

Better Than Gold
We were brought up with a lot of love in my family. I didn’t hesitate to kiss my father in public. And that’s how I tried to raise my children. We’re physical. Even after I spank them, I’ll give them a big hug and a kiss and say, “I love you, but you know you did wrong.” They know that I love them.
Payne Stewart

Travel

I rang the bell of this small bed-and-breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at a window. “What do you want?” she asked. I want to stay here,” I replied. “Well, stay there then,” she said and closed the window.
Chic Murray

The only people here are the quick and the dead.
Billy Graham, on traffic in New York City

Look at all the buses that want exact change. I figure if I give them exact change, they should take me exactly where I want to go.
George Wallace

Better Than Gold
Real love has staying power. It refuses to look for ways to run away. It always opts for working through.
Charles Swindoll

Secretary

I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Sign on a secretary’s desk

Secretary: A person who can tell by a caller’s name whether or not the boss is in.
Anonymous

Secretary wants job; no bad habits; willing to learn.
Want ad

Better Than Gold
How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly!
Psalm 139:17 (TLB)

Romance

I made no advances to her, but she accepted them.
Louis Scutenaire

All the world loves a lover, except those who are waiting to use the phone.
Anonymous

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Better Than Gold
Books are the food of youth, the delight of old age, the ornament of prosperity, and the refuge and comfort of adversity.
Cicero

Environmentalists, Errors and Grass

Remember – a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.
Dennis Miller

To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
John Nadeau

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.
Thomas Carlyle

Names

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s in trouble.
Dennis Fakes

Naming our baby was a trial. I seize up when I have to name a document on my computer.
Jeff Stilson

Better Than Gold
A great man is always willing to be little.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Communication

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Robert McCloskey

Misspellers of the world – UNTIE!
Anonymous

If you cannot get people to listen to you any other way, tell them it’s confidential.
Patrick Murray

Better Than Gold
When the world seems huge and dark and meaningless, focus on little things – sunlight through leaves, a cat sprawled across your knees, the taste of an apple, a dew-bright spider’s web. Now is the time for gentle comforts, for friendly and familiar things.
Pam Brown