You must have received a message like this sometime: “A Mr. Somebody called – I didn’t catch his name – and he didn’t give me a chance to jot down the number. The message had something to do with life or death or something like that. Call him.”
Gene Perret

An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Samuel Goldwyn

Gentlemen. We are not retreating. We are merely advancing in another direction.
General O.P. Smith

Better Than Gold
When you are in a situation in which you stand to lose a lot by stating the complete truth, that is exactly the time to do the right thing. If you do, not only will others treat you with a new respect, you will also treat yourself with a new respect.
Major General William Cohen


Summer: The time of year that children slam the door they left open all winter.

Kids will go upstairs to fetch something you’re too lazy to fetch yourself – just for the fun of the trip. Of course they never come back with the thing you actually wanted.

When Tracy was eight, she would beat the best ladies at the local tennis club and then go over to the baby-sitting area and play in the sandbox.
Jeanne Austin, Tracy’s mother

Better Than Gold
A professional is one who does his best work when he feels the least like working.
Frank Lloyd Wright

Giving Advice

If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice.
Kelly Stephens

I always advise people never to give advice.
P.G. Wodehouse

Like so many contemporary philosophers, he especially enjoyed giving helpful advice to people who were happier than he was.
Tom Lehrer

Better Than Gold
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody.
Herbert Swope


“I really don’t want a lot of money,” my neighbor’s wife explained. “I just wish we could afford to live the way we’re living now.”

The most popular labor-saving device today is still money.
Joey Adams

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

Better Than Gold
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Benjamin Franklin


The toughest part of dieting is not watching what you eat – it’s watching what your friends eat.
Wilfred Beaver

No matter what diet you are on, you can usually eat as much as you want of anything you don’t like.
Walter Slezak

I’ve lost 2,000 pounds, but I’ve gained 2,200.
Billy Casper

Better Than Gold
I wouldn’t go back in time for anything in the world. When I was younger, I was defenseless, fearful that I couldn’t live up to other people’s standards. Now I’m stronger, able to take care of myself, enjoying my work and my time on this planet.
Ellen Burstyn

Vacations, Teaching and Fear

Don’t you love looking at your friends’ vacation pictures? Especially when they owe you money.
J. Chris Newberg

It’s noble to teach oneself. It is nobler to teach others, and less trouble.
Mark Twain

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Kevin James

Better Than Gold
Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men’s blood. Make big plans: aim high in hope and work.
Daniel Burnham


My golf swing is a bit like ironing a shirt. You get one side smoothed out, turn it over and there is a big wrinkle on the other side. Then you iron that one out, turn it over and there is yet another wrinkle.
Tom Watson

A golf ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.
Henry Beard

Bing Crosby was an excellent player, with the slowest backswing I’ve ever seen. While he was taking the club back you could fit him for a tailored suit.
Bob Hope

Better Than Gold
My mother always expected to find the best in people and often did, even among the prisoners at our local jail, to whom she frequently brought hot meals.
Ronald Reagan