Clothes

Boot: A shallow puddle worn on the foot.
Henry Beard and Roy McKie

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
Gary Shandling

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
Dave Barry

Better Than Gold
It is not the critic who counts. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause and who, if he fails, at least fails while bearing greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt

Dance, Movies and Fame

In the Civil War Twist . . . the Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.
Dick Gregory

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock

Once, I walked out of a bathroom stall at O’Hare Airport, and three women applauded. That’s when I knew: I am famous.
Oprah Winfrey

Better Than Gold
I can still see my first dog. For six years he met me at the same place after school and conveyed me home – a service he thought up himself. A boy doesn’t forget that sort of association.
E.B. White

Parenting

Her mama said, “Don’t eat with your fingers.”
“OK,” said Ridiculous Rose,
So she ate with her toes!
Shel Silverstein

I am waging a battle with my son to keep him normal, defined as “like me, but with less nose hair.”
Dave Barry

Once you have a kid you’ll never win another argument with your wife, because in the game of marriage, giving birth is a royal flush. Nothing trumps motherhood.
Reno Goodale

Better Than Gold
When your child asks for your advice, don’t rush in with your answers so quickly; instead ask, “What do you think?” This gives him confidence to solve his own dilemmas. He relaxes, tensions melt away and he is able to accept the challenge of the task at hand.
Judy Ford

Pride

The night we won the World Series, I was understandably feeling my oats. I asked my wife how many really great managers she thought there were in baseball. Glaring at me, she said, “I think there’s one less than you do.”
Danny Murtaugh

We only confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no big ones.
François de La Rochefoucauld

I never cease to amaze myself. I say this humbly.
Don King

Better Than Gold
Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great.
Orison Marden

Golf

Some people rent clubs until they’re sure the game of golf agrees with them. For a real bargain, you can often wait around the eighteenth green and pick up a set cheap from a guy who is just giving up the game.
Joe James

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
Henry Beard

The golf swing is among the most stressful and unnatural acts in sports, short of cheering for the Yankees.
Brad Faxon

Better Than Gold
Running is relaxing. I can think out problems more clearly when I’m running by myself.
Jim Ryun

Marriage

A sure sign to tell if a guy is married to the girl is to notice the way he honks at her.
Anonymous

My wife and I have a deal. If I don’t like the way she does something, I can do it myself.
Donny Osmond

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Better Than Gold
Train your kids to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones, to find a solution for every problem instead of vice versa. Children who’ve learned positive thinking as a key value not only are happier than otherwise, but also are more pleasant to be around.
Tom Hirschfeld

Prayer

Golfers do strange things with the thought that it is going to improve their game. Some, for instance, pray, and unquestionably derive great benefit from it. Continual prayer on the golf course, continual repetition of the same prayer will enable any golfer, at the end of six months, to know that prayer by heart.
Buddy Hackett

Pray for me!
Anonymous, shouted to the congregation by a misbehaving young child being carried to the exit by his father during a church service

It’s a little frustrating sometimes when you listen to your children saying their prayers. It costs thousands and thousands of dollars to raise them and you get mentioned ahead of the goldfish but after the gerbil.
Pat Williams and Ken Hussar

Better Than Gold
People with a dream before them run the race with tenacity because they are motivated by their goal.
T.D. Jakes