Punctuality, Baldness and Truth

One good thing about punctuality is that it’s a sure way to help you enjoy a few minutes of privacy.
Orlando Battista

There’s one thing about baldness – it’s neat.
Don Herold

The truth hurts – maybe not as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing.
Lt. Frank Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2

Better Than Gold
God’s hand is not so short that He cannot save, nor is His ear so heavy that He cannot hear. Whether you see Him or not, He is at work in your life this very moment.
Charles Swindoll

Sports

Go Braves! And take the Falcons with you.
Bumper sticker in Atlanta

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Jack Handey

At the summer Olympic Games, a girl bumped into a guy carrying an eight-foot stick.
“Excuse me,” said the girl, “but are you by any chance a pole vaulter?”
“Nein, I’m a German, but how did you know my name is Valter?”
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
Every second we live is a new and unique moment. And what do we teach our children in school? We teach them that two and two make four and that Paris is the capital of France. We should say to each of them, “Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In the millions of years that have passed there has never been another child like you.”
Pablo Casals

Marriage

Don’t think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining a bathroom.
Anonymous, overheard at a wedding

The rich man and his daughter are soon parted.
Kin Hubbard

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do, but she’s certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you.
Dale Carnegie

Pregnancy

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless an actual baby is emerging from her at that moment.
Anonymous

The biggest problem facing a pregnant woman is not nausea or fatigue or her wardrobe – it’s free advice.
Sophia Loren

I feel like a man building a boat in his basement which he may not be able to get out through the door.
Abigail Lewis, on being pregnant

Better Than Gold
There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness.
Marguerite, Countess of Blessington

Optimism

Optimist: A guy who can always see the bright side of other people’s troubles.
Anonymous

Optimist: A ninety-year-old man who is getting married and wants to buy a home near a school.
Anonymous

An optimist is a man who will wink at a pretty girl and think that his wife won’t see him.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
When you can do the common things of life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
George Washington Carver

Meetings, Coffee and Kickbacks

One executive had an office so large it could sleep ten, which made it perfect for staff meetings.
Gene Perret

A kickback is where the giver says, “Thank you,” and the recipient says, “Don’t mention it.”
Robert Orben

I had one worker who steadfastly refused to take a morning coffee break. He claimed it kept him awake all afternoon.
Gene Perret

Better Than Gold
Money often costs too much.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Patience

The red light is always longer than the green light.
Laurence Peter, Peter’s Theory of Relativity

It’s easy finding reasons why other folks should be patient.
George Eliot

Patience and restraint are what parents have when there are witnesses.
Franklin Jones

Better Than Gold
Start by doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
St. Francis of Assisi