Babies

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Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
— Jeff Foxworthy

No baby is admired sufficiently to please the parents.
— E.V. Lucas

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
Mood one: Just about to cry.
Mood two: Crying.
Mood three: Just finished crying.
— Dave Barry

Better Than Gold
Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way. We become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions.
— Aristotle

Blessings in Disguise

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What a wanton waste of the mercies of God’s providence.
— Benjamin Disraeli, when he saw a deaf Member of Parliament listening to the debate with the aid of an ear trumpet

If this is a blessing, it is certainly well disguised.
— Sir Winston Churchill, to his wife following defeat in 1945 election

There’s another advantage of being poor – a doctor will cure you faster.
— Kin Hubbard

Better Than Gold
I ran away from a thousand things waiting to be done and stole a little visit with a friend.
— Laura Ingalls Wilder

Politics

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Prosperity: Something the businessmen create for the politicians to take credit for.
— Anonymous

You can always tell a good politician by the way he answers. He makes you forget the question.
— Anonymous

When I was a kid, I knew that all fairy tales began with the line, “Once upon a time.” Now that I’m grown up, I know that all fairy tales begin with the line, “If I’m elected . . . .”
— Anonymous

Better Than Gold
Quantity time is a prerequisite to quality time. It takes quantity time to build a relationship of mutual trust, and trust is absolutely necessary for real quality time.
— Ken Canfield

Food

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Glutton: Someone who eats the slice of cake you wanted.
— Anonymous

Her favorite food is seconds.
— Joan Rivers

Last night I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk and gelatin. I’m sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it’s going to seem longer.
— Groucho Marx

Better Than Gold
People who chase their dreams do what they love and they go for greatness. Those kinds of dreams, the dreams that fill their minds with purposeful energy, are the most potent source of motivation I know.
— Dr. Bob Rotella

Golf

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If swinging the club really was as simple and natural as, say, swinging a hammer, Corey Pavin would be making $8.47 an hour.
— Henry Beard

Jim Furyk has a swing like a man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth.
— David Feherty

Every club has a swing narcissist, who, on and off the course, constantly practices his swing. I remember “Never-Play Joe” at Chandler Park, who hung around the clubhouse and putting green all day practicing his swing. He usually didn’t even have a club in his hands and rarely ever hit a ball, yet he was constantly swinging.
— Joseph Amato

Better Than Gold
He who is not liberal with what he has, does but deceive himself when he thinks he would be liberal if he had more.
— William Plumer

Hair

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Trouble turns a man’s hair gray in one night. Vanity turns a woman’s hair any color in one minute.
— Anonymous

A toupee is a nest that sets on the egg.
— Arthur “Bugs” Baer

My days of having hair are numbered. The once-bustling downtown of my abundantly populated scalp is becoming a wasteland of burned-out storefronts and boarded-up windows as the occupants move to the outlying suburbs of my neck, ears and back.
— Dennis Miller

Better Than Gold
Do just once what others say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to your limitations again.
— James Cook

Clothes

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Behind every successful man you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
— James Stewart

What do women want? Shoes.
— Mimi Pond

A nun alone was a sailboat; two, side by side, a regatta; three, a whole armada. These sisters did not walk; they skimmed, they hovered.
— Richard Selzer, on Sisters of Mercy in full habit

Better Than Gold
Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity. Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest song, the most touching poems, the most gripping stories and inspiring lives.
— Billy Graham