Politics

Prosperity: Something the businessmen create for the politicians to take credit for.
Anonymous

You can always tell a good politician by the way he answers. He makes you forget the question.
Anonymous

When I was a kid, I knew that all fairy tales began with the line, “Once upon a time.” Now that I’m grown up, I know that all fairy tales begin with the line, “If I’m elected . . . .”
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
Quantity time is a prerequisite to quality time. It takes quantity time to build a relationship of mutual trust, and trust is absolutely necessary for real quality time.
Ken Canfield

Food

Glutton: Someone who eats the slice of cake you wanted.
Anonymous

Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers

Last night I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk and gelatin. I’m sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it’s going to seem longer.
Groucho Marx

Better Than Gold
People who chase their dreams do what they love and they go for greatness. Those kinds of dreams, the dreams that fill their minds with purposeful energy, are the most potent source of motivation I know.
Dr. Bob Rotella

Golf

If swinging the club really was as simple and natural as, say, swinging a hammer, Corey Pavin would be making $8.47 an hour.
Henry Beard

Jim Furyk has a swing like a man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth.
David Feherty

Every club has a swing narcissist, who, on and off the course, constantly practices his swing. I remember “Never-Play Joe” at Chandler Park, who hung around the clubhouse and putting green all day practicing his swing. He usually didn’t even have a club in his hands and rarely ever hit a ball, yet he was constantly swinging.
Joseph Amato

Better Than Gold
He who is not liberal with what he has, does but deceive himself when he thinks he would be liberal if he had more.
William Plumer

Hair

Trouble turns a man’s hair gray in one night. Vanity turns a woman’s hair any color in one minute.
Anonymous

A toupee is a nest that sets on the egg.
Arthur “Bugs” Baer

My days of having hair are numbered. The once-bustling downtown of my abundantly populated scalp is becoming a wasteland of burned-out storefronts and boarded-up windows as the occupants move to the outlying suburbs of my neck, ears and back.
Dennis Miller

Better Than Gold
Do just once what others say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to your limitations again.
James Cook

Clothes

Behind every successful man you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
James Stewart

What do women want? Shoes.
Mimi Pond

A nun alone was a sailboat; two, side by side, a regatta; three, a whole armada. These sisters did not walk; they skimmed, they hovered.
Richard Selzer, on Sisters of Mercy in full habit

Better Than Gold
Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity. Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest song, the most touching poems, the most gripping stories and inspiring lives.
Billy Graham

Food

Bagel: A doughnut dipped in cement.
Anonymous

Our toaster has two settings – too soon or too late.
Sam Levenson

I have a cheese shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge ruiner.
Mitch Hedberg

Better Than Gold
She broke the bread into two fragments and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity.
“She hath kept none for herself,” grumbled the Sergeant.
“Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier.
“Because she is a mother,” said the Sergeant.
Victor Hugo

Baseball

The funny thing about these uniforms is that you hang them in a closet and they get smaller and smaller.
Curt Flood, before a 1989 Old-Timers Game

I don’t see how either team can possibly win.
Anonymous

When I first became a manager, I asked Chuck Tanner for advice. He told me, “Always rent.”
Tony LaRussa

Better Than Gold
My father taught me that showing your affection was not a sign of weakness but instead a sign of love. I have passed his legacy on to my two sons and my granddaughters. Whenever I see them, we kiss and hug and show how fond we are of each other. I love it!
Jack Klugman