Memory

I went to my doctor about my loss of memory. He made me pay in advance.
Anonymous

I’ll never forget old what’s-his-name.
Anonymous

I love it when mothers get so mad they can’t remember your name. “Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga . . . what is your name, boy? And don’t lie to me, because you live here, and I’ll find out who you are.”
Bill Cosby

Better Than Gold
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.
Malcolm Forbes

Children

No matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
Dave Barry

One of our neighbor’s kids does bird impressions. He eats worms.
Anonymous

The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles so each employee can have some privacy. One day a co-worker had an exasperating phone conversation with one of her teenage sons. After hanging up, she heaved a sigh and said, “No one ever listens to me.” Immediately several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, “Yes, we do.”
Jo Jaimeson

Better Than Gold
Those folks who succeed simply remain enthusiastic longer than those who fail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Forever, Laziness and Restaurants

Nothing lasts forever – with the exception of public broadcasting pledge week.
Anonymous

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
Andrew Jackson

The quality of food in a restaurant is in inverse proportion to the number of signed celebrity photographs on the wall.
Bryan Miller

Better Than Gold
It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God, but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people.
Oswald Chambers

Clothes

Raingear: Lightweight, waterproof clothing that would have provided a player excellent protection from a sudden downpour out on the course if it weren’t in the trunk of his car.
Henry Beard and Roy McKie

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry

“Play It as It Lies” is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other one is “Wear It if It Clashes.”
Henry Beard

Better Than Gold
You may fail a thousand times, but success may be hiding behind the next step. You never know how close the prize is unless you continue.
Bob Tyler

Forecasts

Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.
Malcolm Forbes

There are two sorts of forecasters. Those who don’t know and those who don’t know they don’t know.
John Kenneth Galbraith

There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as nutty methods. Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as a complete waste of time.
Scott Adams

Better Than Gold
Everyone who has run knows that its most important value is in removing tension and allowing a release from whatever other cares the day may bring.
Jimmy Carter

Cars

The louder the car alarm, the more likely everyone but the owner will hear it.
Anonymous

Pedestrian: A person who can’t find the place where he parked his car.
Anonymous

What is happening when you hear varoom . . . screech, varoom . . . screech, varoom . . . screech? A moron is trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.
Anonymous

Better Than Gold
I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.
Abraham Lincoln

Fathers

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

Pas de deux: father of twins.
Coup de grace: lawnmower.
Anonymous

When you want to do something and you’re not sure your dad will let you, ask him while he’s asleep.
Anonymous, age 11

Better Than Gold
Your kids must take responsibility for their actions, their choices and ultimately for their lives. How do you teach them to do these things? Set a good example. Don’t blame your parents for your problems, the economy for your debts, bad teachers for your children’s shaky academic performance, your spouse for your unhappiness or an insensitive boss for your stalled career.
Elaine St. James