Age

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
Anonymous

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.
Diane de Poitiers

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
Dr. Benjamin Spock

Better Than Gold
The greatest good we can do for others is not to share our riches but to reveal theirs.
B.J. Marshall

Fame

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger

Sometimes I’ll get recognized out somewhere and then the next question they ask me is what I do.
Andre Agassi

A celebrity is a person who works all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen

Better Than Gold
The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts.
Bishop Fulton Sheen

Housework

According to laundry room guidelines, a dryer of any kind must take exactly twice as long as the washing machine.
Jim Hoehn

Housework expands to fill the time available plus half an hour.
Shirley Conran

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.
Erma Bombeck

Better Than Gold
When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.
Oswald Chambers

Clothes

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, “Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?”
Ron Chapman

Buying clothes a size too big only ensures that your kids will grow twice as fast.
Dee Ann Stewart

When you’re a kid, your mother’s job is to make you look like a dork. The mittens pinned to your jacket, the Elmer Fudd earflap hat, the rubber boots with the Wonder bread bags over your feet. And, of course, the pièce de résistance, the snow pants. There’s an outfit that screams, “Beat me up and take my lunch money!”
Dennis Miller

Better Than Gold
Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything and everyone you have right now, and then, somehow got everything back again.
Kobi Yamada

Fishing

Mummichog: 1) Popular baitfish also known as killifish. 2) Disappointing sound made by the outboard motor on the 31st through 500th attempt to start it.
Henry Beard and Roy McKie

The curious thing about fishing is you never want to go home. If you catch something, you can’t stop. If you don’t catch anything, you hate to leave in case something might bite.
Gladys Taber

Keeper: Any fish larger than the lure or bait used to catch it.
Henry Beard and Roy McKie

Better Than Gold
God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right, even though I think it is hopeless.
Admiral Chester Nimitz

Drapes, Disabilities and Men

The first pull on the cord will send the drapes the wrong way.
Anonymous

What have you got when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
Jackie Martling

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky looking.
Anonymous, why it’s great to be a man

Better Than Gold
No one keeps his enthusiasm automatically. Enthusiasm must be nourished with new actions, new aspiration, new efforts, new vision.
Papyrus

Memos, Stockbrokers and Umbrellas

In business, the memo is a way of transmitting information from those who have none to those who don’t want any.
Gene Perret

A stockbroker is someone who takes all your money and invests it until it’s gone.
Woody Allen

A businessman needs three umbrellas – one to leave at the office, one to leave at home and one to leave on the train.
Paul Dickson

Better Than Gold
After my little girl was born, I spent so much time by myself, feeding and rocking her and watching her sleep, that I was putting on the television just to hear an adult voice. But what I found wasn’t even a quarter good. So I took the televisions away. Now in the morning, instead of turning on the Today show, I give my full attention to the children. And instead of watching Barney, they give their full attention to me.
Linda Ronstadt